Quotes
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."
I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!