Quotes
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.