Quotes
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short..."
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?