Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.