Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth with braces on them.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
So, do you live around here often?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short..."
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.