Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."