Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.