Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Rennaisance.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."
I was born by Caesarean section, but you can't really tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.