Steven Wright
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"