Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
How young can you die of old age?
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?