Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.