Woody Allen
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I-I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I-I ripen and then rot.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I am two with nature.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.