Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year... for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.