Quotes
If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
You gotta be careful with your body. Your body is like a bar of soap. The more you use it, the more it wears down.
St. Louis is baseball all american style. Not like Philly, not like New York, not like anywhere else. In St. Louis the fans care about the game. Here they talk strategy, the hit-and-run, the squeeze play, the defensive alignment; the fans didn't care about off-field controversies.
If a horse won't eat it, I don't want to play on it.
I'll play first, third, left. I'll play anywhere - except Philadelphia.
I wish they'd shut the gates, and let us play ball with no press and no fans.
I once loved this game. But after being traded four times, I realized that it's nothing but a business. I treat my horses better than the owners treat us. It's a shame they've destroyed my love for the game.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.