Quotes
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.