Fred Allen
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Batten, Barton, Durstine and Osborne - sounds like a trunk falling down a flight of stairs.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
A vice president in an advertising agency is a "molehill man" who has until 5 PM to make a molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch.